Thursday, October 28, 2010


Tomorrow is my 24th birthday. It will be my 8th birthday without my mom.

From time to time, people ask me if it still hurts.


Of course.

Time "helps," but I miss her and think about her every single day. Some days are worse than others. I have broken down and cried at gas stations, inside the box office of the movie theater where I used to work, in the car, in the shower, in the empty lot that used to be the house where I grew up, at the cemetery, in my grandmother's arms, at an Eagles concert, in my room, on airplanes.

Today I completely lost it inside a tanning bed. That was a new one..

Sometimes it's songs that trigger it (I still have not listened to "Whiter Shade of Pale" in its entirety since her funeral, and once had to leave a grocery store in the middle of shopping when it came on to avoid making a scene). Sometimes I see women who look JUST like her. Other times I just get caught up in the fact that I am a completely different person now than I was when I was 16 years old. I wonder if she'd even like the person I've become, and how it might be different if she had been there to be more of an influence (either good or bad).

Thank you, Mom, for bringing me into this world. I love you and miss you every single day.

1 comment:

  1. I love you boo. Tanning bed? I hope you meant spray tan because we can't be dealing with no cancer mmm mmm no.

    Your mom would be so proud of the woman I know. Think of all the people who are so proud of you today: your dad, your sister, Laynie, friends and family. You have such an amazing group of people surrounding you, and God knew that when your mom died. He knew you'd be ok, that you'd be strong enough to live without her yet for her. What's funny is your mom probably had a lot of the same struggles you're unsure about and are going through now, and whether you're aware of it or not, her influence from your early years in life are constantly continuing to shape your life today so she's still with you.

    Happy birthday Baby Caits :)